I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize