u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
