Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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