also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
