I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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