The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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