My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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