I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
