If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
