You know, be my cock's hype man.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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