Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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