Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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