I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
