I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
