unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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