is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
