Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
