Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
