walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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