why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
