Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
