Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
