I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
