I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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