I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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