I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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