If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
