someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
