my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
