i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
