Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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