I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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