If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
