Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
