I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
