I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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