I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
