It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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