My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
