Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
