I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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