Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
