My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
