Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Did I show you my penis last night?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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