She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
How naked do you want me to be?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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