Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
