my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
