yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
