I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
