Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
