When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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