VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
