I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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