btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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