a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We got so high we made milksteak
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize