If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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