My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
